Toxic Spirituality: Why "Forgive and Forget" Can be the Worst Kind of Gaslighting

Have you been told that you should just “be nicer” to someone who was abusive to you?

Or that you are a bad person if you don’t want to accept someone back into your life after they’ve made decisions that were hurtful to you?

Or that you are not a good person because you are drawing a line in the sand and no longer want to engage with someone who is racist, homophobic, xenophobic, or otherwise harmful to you or other groups of people?

I’ve seen a LOT of this these days, often coming from well-meaning (usually) people in the spiritual world, intending to send a bit of a “kumbaya” kind of message out to the world. However, when we ignore the harm that someone has done, and we are told to ignore our own instincts on boundaries that we need to protect ourselves, and when the person in question doesn’t make any effort whatsoever to admit they did wrong, then that is some serious gaslighting, and it’s seriously harmful.

I’m over it. You should have healthy boundaries. People should be held accountable for the harm they have done. You are not required to forgive, forget, and be open arms to people who have harmed you and have taken no responsibility for their actions.

At the end of the day, ignoring the healthy boundaries you want and need to put in place because you’ve been told it’s not “spiritual” or “loving” is being abusive to yourself. It’s okay to say “no more.”

Creating Your Mental Survival Kit: Getting Through a Crisis and Staying Strong, Positive, and Increasing Your Immune Response Through Happiness and Connection

You’ve got your toilet paper. You’ve got your groceries. You’re (hopefully) in a safe place. You are doing social distancing and washing your hands. You’ve done what you can for your physical survival.

But have you thought about how you get through this pandemic mentally? Have you considered what you need to be able to stay positive, focused, and emotionally well?

Most people haven’t, but taking care of your mental wellbeing is at least as important as taking care of your physical survival. And, as we all know, the mind and the body are linked in important ways, so what your mind is experiencing sends messages to your body about whether you should be healthy and well, or whether you should be tuning into disease, lower immunity, and pain.

In fact, multiple research studies confirm that your immune system is stronger when you feel safe, happy, and loved. In this one, they looked at why the immune system is stronger in young women that are in love. In another, they showed that happiness has a profound effect on gene expression that have antiviral roles, and that loneliness increases genes that have a role in inflammatory responses (inflammation is not a good thing in the body, in case you were wondering). 

So, how do you create your mental survival kit? Here are my 10 steps to creating one that truly works for you:

1. First, get an actual box or bag that you can keep at hand.

Yes, you are creating an actual kit; think of this like a first aid kit for your mental and emotional wellbeing.

A physical kit (with perhaps a virtual copy) is key here. The reason? When you are feeling overwhelmed and stressed, you don’t want to be searching around for solutions. In that mode, you likely won’t even be able to think about what you need!

The reason? If you are stressed and anxious, you are likely to also be in decision fatigue. Decision fatigue is basically the point you hit when you’ve had to make too many decisions (even small ones) and deal with too many things at once, and you can no longer think clearly enough to make a good decision or come up with a good solution.

If you are not familiar with this concept, I highly suggest you check out the research on it. In doing so, you’ll quickly see that in times like these, you are making tons of little and big and exhausting decisions for your own wellbeing, worrying about others’ wellbeing, reading every opinion on the news and trying to make new decisions on that, and that leads to absolute paralysis when it comes to being able to find a quick solution when you are feeling overwhelmed.

Enter the physical mental survival kit. The idea is that, once created, this should need no thought whatsoever to use. You feel overwhelmed, you go to your kit, you see a whole list of solutions, and from that list, you pick one. No additional thought needed.

Now, start putting it together with these key items:

2. Create a list of friends and family that are supportive and loving.

Connection with others is a critical component to our wellbeing and a healthy immune system. However, the kind of connection is important here. If, for instance, you are connecting with people that make you feel scared, worried, or bad about yourself, your immune system will take a hit for the worse.

If you connect with loving, supportive people, you will feel safer, happier, and your immune system will respond with a boost of genes that strengthen your response.

Who in your life makes you feel uplifted and loved? Who makes you belly laugh? Who seems to always find the good in even the worst situations? Write down a list of those people and put it in your kit.

Then, reach out to some of those people and set an actual time to talk each week. I find that it’s best if you can do a video call, but literally any interaction - from texting to phone to sending a note - is a good one for your mental and emotional wellbeing.

You can also create a group call on Skype, Google Hangouts, Zoom, or FaceTime. If you are really feeling organized, create a calendar that everyone can schedule their own times to have an “appointment” with you.

However you do it, the key idea is to make sure that you are actually scheduling time with these people on a regular basis during this situation. (And frankly, this might be a takeaway from this - even after we are all through it, keep a schedule of connecting with these people who uplift you!)

3. Grab books that inspire you.

We all have books that we can pick up and read even a few minutes and suddenly feel better. What books do that for you?

Make a list of those books. If you’ve actually got the physical copies of the book, put those in your kit. If not, put your list in your kit. When you are feeling off and in need of inspiration, go to your kit and pick one of these books to read for at least 10 minutes. You will be amazed how quickly you shift out of worry and fear into hope and joy with just a little help!

While I am at it, grab a free ebook copy of my book, The Flow Method now.

4. List podcasts that lift you up.

There are many awesome people in the world who have created wonderful podcasts that lift you up and make you feel better and calmer. There are others who have created funny or joyful podcasts that make you belly laugh.

Both of these kinds of podcasts are amazing right now. Make a list of the ones you love and keep that list in your kit. When you are feeling off, tune in to one of these for even a few minutes.

5. List movies or shows that make you laugh or feel happy

As I mentioned at the beginning, happiness increases your immune response. So, now is the time to load up on things that make you laugh and feel truly joyful.

For instance, I just rewatched Naked Gun 33 1/2 and Clue–both classic comedies and both hilarious.

For shows, Schitt’s Creek, Arrested Development, and 30 Rock are go-tos for me.

Find the things that make you laugh and make a list of those. This is not the time for deep, depressing documentaries–this is the time for comedy, love, and joy. Put that list in your kit and grab it when you are looking for something joyful and silly to watch.

6. List activities that lift you up or help you release stress.

While we are staying home as much as possible right now, it’s important to keep in mind activities that will lift you up and help you feel healthier and happier.

For me, things like taking a walk in nature (while social distancing) and taking a drive with my favorite music on are really helping.

Other things you might list:

Yoga
Working out
Board games
Playing with kids in the yard
Working in the garden
Sitting in the sun
Reading a good book
Dancing to great music
Reading spiritual or religious text
Painting

These are just ideas; the important thing is for you to list things that make YOU feel good.

7. Connect with gratitude

There is absolutely no doubt that we are collectively going through a very difficult time right now. However, even in moments of difficulty, there is still much to be grateful for.

One thing that helps me tremendously is to sit down for 5 minutes each night and write at least 5 things that I am grateful for that day. In doing so, I find that there is so much in my life that is beautiful and good, and it connects me with the feeling that life is more abundant than I may feel sometimes.

It also connects with a sense that we can expect more good things tomorrow, and the next day, and so on - and that connects with a higher frequency that keeps you in a more abundant, positive mindset. Setting the expectation that good things come to you helps more good things come to you.

8. Create (or use) a mantra.

If you are not familiar with it, a mantra is either a “word or sound repeated to aid concentration in meditation” or a “statement or slogan repeated frequently.” Either way, it can help you to stay sane, uplifted, and healthy.

There is an impressive body of evidence that mantras have a positive effect, even if you think they whole thing is gibberish. There are a whole bunch of theories as to why this works, but from my perspective, it’s because you are literally creating a new neural pathways that is of a higher frequency than your old one, which creates a better mental state. (See my book for why that works. :) )

You can either use classic Hindu or Buddhist mantras or you can create your own. My favorite Buddhist mantra - and one I use frequently - is Om Mani Padme Hum, which has several levels of meaning, but, in the most simplistic terms, it means that you are taking a path to creating a union of mind, body, and spirit through wisdom and method.

There are lots of other ones to choose from; here’s a comprehensive list. See if one of those speaks to you.

If not, create your own mantra. To do so, you want to use words that have the most emotionally positive response in you. Read these words and see which ones create a feeling of joy, hope, excitement, or positivity in your body:

Resilient
Joy
Happiness
Hope
Oneness
Peace
Goodness
Optimistic
Love
Abundant
Goodness
Better
Safety
Safe
Empowered
Protected


What other words make you feel all the good feelings? Add to that list.

Now, take the words that made you feel the strongest positive responses and create a mantra for yourself out of them. Here are some examples:

“I am resilient and I believe I will come out of this stronger and better.”

“I believe my life is betting better in every way. “

“I am loved. I am hopeful. I am happy. I am wise.”

“Peace. Love, Joy. Abudance. Good health. Safety.”

“I am protected and safe.”

Do whatever feels right to you, but definitely do something with a mantra. When you are feeling anxious or overwhelmed, go back to the mantra. Repeat it to yourself, focusing on your breath and connecting with a feeling of peace, happiness, and love.

Okay, we’ve got a list of things to put in your kit. Here’s what you need to limit or avoid altogether:

1. Social media

In a time like this when we are all having to distance ourselves from one another, social media can be a lifeline. However, if you are going down rabbit holes of negativity on there, reading about the latest illnesses and deaths and getting madder and madder at politicians, then you need to put a hard stop to that.

Make sure that those you interact with and follow are putting out good things that make you feel better. If not, you can easily unfollow people putting out negativity and vitriol, and you should.

If you notice that any time on social media is making you feel anxious and upset, then limit it entirely for at least a day. Notice if you feel better (spoiler alert: you will), and then choose to limit your social media to a few minutes a day or not at all.

2. News

In the early moments of this pandemic, I found myself searching through the news WAY more than I ever would, trying to get some solid understanding of what we were facing and what the government was doing about it. You know what that did? It made me anxious and seriously overwhelmed. I started to worry about how to stop this, how to help people who couldn’t get groceries, how to help people who were stuck in their homes with abusive people, how to get healthcare workers the protective gear they needed - the list went on and on.

Worse, of all the things I was worrying about, there was little to nothing I could specifically do to make it better. All I was doing was completely stressing myself out without any outlet to make a positive change.

I realized that this was not good and not healthy. I also realized that, while there were many things I could not control, there were some that I could. I could stay home and do the social distancing. I could check on people in my life to make sure that they were okay and safe, and if they needed something, I could provide it. I could buy gift certificates to my beloved local restaurants and businesses to offer them support.

So, I turned off the news and focused on the things I could control and the good I could do. I suggest you do the same. Stay home. Flatten the curve. Help those that you can.

3. Interactions with negative or exhausting people

Are there people in your life that exhaust you? Do those people constantly bring you down or hurt you? There has never been a better time to set healthy boundaries and limit or completely eliminate interactions with these people.

Unfortunately, I know that some of you are stuck at home with these negative people. Stay tuned for future trainings on how to protect yourself if you are in that situation. 

This is my list for a mental survival kit. What ideas do you have?

Stay safe and healthy, and stay home for now. We will get through this together, and we will get through it quicker if we all take it seriously and stay home. - Much love, Tara

Has this been helpful to you? Be awesome and like and share!

*Here is a list of just some of the research studies that have shown the connection between happiness, love, safety and other positive emotions and a stronger immune response: 

How love increases our immune response: https://news.tulane.edu/pr/new-study-analyzes-how-falling-love-influences-immune-system-women

How adverse events (social isolation, negative socioeconomic conditions, bereavement, and other negative experiences) down-regulates genes involved in the immune response and up-regulates genes responsible for inflammatory responses: https://www.pnas.org/content/108/7/3080

Great article with many studies on how happiness influences our immune response: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-happiness-boosts-the-immune-system/

Scientific research on the effectiveness of mantras: https://buddhaweekly.com/science-mantras-mantras-work-without-faith-research-supports-effectiveness-sanskrit-mantra-healing-even-environmental-transformation/

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6 Critical Questions to Ask Before You Screw Up Your Life (or Feel Like You Have)

You know that old adage, “Hindsight is 20/20”? 

If you’ve ever made a decision which you later regretted, you’ll deeply understand what this means (and may have heard it from more than a few well-meaning people). Faced with the result of a bad choice, you likely grumbled, “If I’d only known then what I know now, I’d never have done it!”

It’s an awful feeling to find yourself living the consequences of bad decisions. Wouldn’t it be nice if you could avoid making decisions you later regret? Or have 20/20 vision now to make decisions that improve your life, instead of screw it up and wear you out? 

As we head into this, let me just say: I don’t feel like (generally) you can totally screw up your life (but you can certainly feel like you have). Experiences happen for a reason, and often we learn lessons that are necessary for a better life from even the worst experiences. However, using these questions to evaluate any decision you are pondering might give you a level of awareness that allows you to learn the lesson without having to actually go through the bad experience, and that’s enlightenment I can really get behind.

If you stop and evaluate any decision you face with these six powerful questions, you can start making decisions that you’ll love: 

1. Would I be doing this out of obligation or guilt? 

If you were raised by parents that used guilt to get you to bend to their wills (or if you went to a religious school or attended a conservative church), it’s likely you’re susceptible to agreeing to things you would not otherwise agree to due to the overwhelmingly awful feeling of guilt or obligation. 

Take a moment to think about how many times you’ve done something out of guilt or obligation. Did you enjoy the experience? Or did you regret your decision and beat yourself up for your lack of willpower, all while suffering through until it was over?

Agreeing to any experience due to a sense of obligation or guilt takes valuable time and energy from experiences that are good for you and rarely ends well. Whether it’s as minor as deciding whether you have dinner with an old friend who wears you out or as major as mulling over whether you should end an unhappy engagement, recognize guilt and obligation for what it is, disengage from it, and listen to your gut instinct on what is best for you. 

2. Do I enjoy being with this person (or people)? 

There is almost nothing worse than hanging out with someone whose company you don’t enjoy or whose values are dramatically different from yours. It’s even worse if the person is highly critical of you, either overtly or passive-aggressively. It’s worse yet if the person undermines you and your goals.

The exhaustion you feel after dealing with such a person takes away vitality from you and depletes your ability to put time and effort into good things in your life. After all, when you’ve been with someone who wears you out, are you feeling energized to keep on with your goals? Or do you just want to take a nap? 

I think you know which it is. 

Make a list of people in your life. Notice how you feel after being with each person. Are you energized, happy, and feel valued? Or do you feel drained, worn out, and ignored? 

If it’s the latter, dial back (or eliminate) time spent with that person. Life is too short to be with people that wear you down.

3. Am I just forcing this being the right thing, even though it feels wrong? 

A friend of mine really, really wanted to be married. Every relationship was heading to that goal, whether or not the guy would make her happy in the long run. She finally got her wish and married a guy that was clearly not a good person and didn’t love her like he should. Fast forward five years: She ended up in an ugly divorce which left her financially and emotionally depleted.

My husband was offered a promotion at work which would require a move to a place where we had both said we would never, ever want to live. Somehow we talked ourselves into that move—after all, it was the next logical step in my husband’s career and it was a nice pay increase—and it was the most miserable year of our lives.

Sometimes the desire to attain a goal over-rides our intuition that the current experience isn’t the right one. It’s easy to do, especially if you are really trying to grow your business, take that next step in your career, or meet a big life goal. When an opportunity presents itself, it’s tempting to talk yourself into it, even if your gut is telling you that something is not right. 

If you have that situation presenting itself to you, it’s a good idea to write out what you are feeling about the opportunity and why you think you need to move forward. List what you truly want in the situation, then look to see if this opportunity matches with those desires. If the lists do not sync up, then you know that this is not a step forward you want to take. 

Look for the right thing—the one that truly matches your highest goals and desires on all levels—not the thing that only checks off the box on your goal list. 

4. Am I afraid of looking stupid if I don’t go forward? 

We’ve all done it; we announce to the world some grand plans to start a business, lose weight, write a book, or have a kid, and then realize that it might not be what we really want. For most of us, the fear of losing face with all those people is so overwhelming that we stick with the plan for way longer than we should. We end up miserable, worn out, and sometimes even broke. 

So what if your dad will knowingly tell you “I told you so!” when you announce that you’re not marrying that guy he always hated? Who cares if your friends will laugh at you when you say you’re walking away from a business that’s draining you on every level? Your happiness and health are more important than other’s opinions, and, at the end of the day, staying connected to something that’s not truly right for you keeps you from being able to take advantage of the right thing when it shows up.

If your motivation for staying the course is worry over other’s judgement of you, that’s a big red flag that it’s time to throw caution to the wind and decide a different path.

And the next time you have a big dream or goal, only share it with people who will support and love you whether or not you accomplish said goal. Anything else is self-abuse.

5. Am I afraid of looking stupid if I DO go forward? 

Contemplating quitting your day job and taking an internship in your dream field? Thinking about adopting a baby as a single parent? Mulling over going fully mobile and traveling the world?

There is no human who has ever existed that made a great step forward for mankind (or just themselves) that wasn’t criticized, laughed at, or targeted. What if Einstein had given up because one of his teachers said he’d never get anywhere? What if Gandhi hadn’t begun a peaceful movement 

Do yourself a favor: If you want to go forward on an unconventional plan that’s calling to you from deep in your soul, go for it. The more people who make fun of you or tell you that you’re crazy, the more likely it is that you’re on a path to something really awesome. 

6. Is it just that I hate quitting? 

Many of us have been taught that “quitters never win,” which causes a great amount of incentive for people to stay in situations way longer than they ever should. This is never more apparent than when you’ve realized that a prior decision was a bad decision, but now you fear letting go because you “shouldn’t quit.”

Don’t do it. I know you might have put a ridiculous amount of hours into a new business or spent endless hours writing that novel you know you have in you, but if there is a point when you are no longer passionate about going forward or it’s taking a serious toll on you or your life, it’s time to walk away. 

I can tell you of at least 3 different times in my life when I KNEW that I should walk away from a project, but kept trying to make lemons out of some seriously sour lemonade. In one case, I had put two years of my life and passion into a start-up that I truly believed could make a huge difference in the world, but knew that the president of the company was a hot mess and could not be trusted. But, I believed so strongly in our mission that I doubled-down and worked even harder, thinking that I could somehow bypass her and pull this off. I also didn’t want to let down my co-workers, who also had put a lot of passion and time into this. I really thought a handful of us could somehow pull this off. I just did NOT want to quit on something this important. Needless to say, one of my greatest regrets is not walking away earlier. 

If you feel like you HAVE to stay with a certain project because you don’t want to let others down, or that you’ve put a crazy amount of time/love/creativity in and are having a hard time letting go, just ask yourself: “How is staying with this project depleting me? How is staying with this causing me stress? If I was able to let go, what might improve in my life? Why do I think I cannot quit?”

I also love a practice from a favorite author and inspiration of mine, Tim Ferris. He suggests that, when looking at a situation like this, to do a “fear-setting exercise.” To do this, imagine quitting the experience/job/relationship/whatever, and go to the absolute worst case scenario. So, for ending a bad engagement, it might be, “I’ll end this relationship and all our friends will hate me. I’ll lose the money I have put down on the wedding venue, because it’s too close to the marriage. Everyone will think badly of me because I did this. I will be alone for the rest of my life and die alone.” That’s certainly pretty grim. Then, on a scale of 1 - 10, rate how likely that scenario is. In this case, it might be a 3 or 4, at best. Next, think through the best-case scenario. “I will finally be free of a miserable relationship and will stop feeling stressed all the time. I will be able to do fun things I like to do just for me, and I will learn to love alone time. When I am ready, I will find a wonderful person who will be my soulmate, and we will love and support each other for the rest of our lives.” Rate how likely that scenario might be; in this case, it’s probably a strong 8 - 9. Then, rate how much better you would feel overall if you did this. If the worst case scenario is a lot less likely than the best case scenario and you’d feel lots better moving toward the better scenario, then it’s a great indication that you should make that move. 

If you realize that you are freaking miserable staying with the current experience, opportunity, or person, then let it go. You aren’t quitting; you are making a decision to let something go that isn’t for your best, and that’s very different energy. 

I can tell you from experience that when you are able to do this, you’ll be amazed at how much stress and worry releases from you. You’ll feel alive and unburdened, and that’s pretty great. 

Best of all, when you use these 6 critical questions to help you make good decisions about your life and your time, you’ll avoid experiences you’ll later regret and have more energy for you and for all the positive experiences in your life.

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Guess What? You Don't Need to Be Perfect to Be Worthy (Really)

Are you a perfectionist? 

A lot of us are (including me), and that’s not a good thing. 

When you hold yourself up to a perfect ideal, you are telling life that you do not deserve love, respect, or any other good thing unless you meet that ideal. Of course, it is impossible to be perfect, so you end up feeling like a failure because you never get what you want. 

Perfectionism is also at the root of most addiction. Anorexics think that they will be lovable if they are thin. Alcoholics and drug addicts fear that they will never be as perfect as they think they need to be, so they drown this hurt and pain in the bottle or with pills—at least this way, they can have a reason why they are not living up to the ideal. Workaholics are always striving to prove themselves worthy of their jobs, love, and the respect of others by working themselves into the ground. Overeaters are often so frustrated at feeling that they will never measure up to the ideal body that they just eat—this way, they have control over how they failed. Plastic surgery addicts are chasing their individual belief of the perfect body, believing that attaining it will earn them love and approval.

Perfectionism is a nasty thing, because it never allows you to be good enough, lovable enough, or just enough. A perfectionist could do an absolutely perfect job, but they will only see the little flaws that no one would ever notice. Happiness is elusive for a perfectionist, because there is always something more that can be done to make their work, life, or body better.

This way of life will literally eat you alive. It is self-hatred, plain and simple. To live up to some fictionalized ideal, you will restrict eating, exercise excessively, and work until you have pushed way beyond your limits. You will beat yourself up for every single slight, mistake, or imperfection, and make yourself sick with worry that someone will find out that you are not as great as everyone thinks that you are. By making the ideal more important than you and your heath, your body will get the message that you do not really care about yourself, often resulting in disorders such as chronic fatigue and mononucleosis. 

Stop abusing yourself! It’s time to start taking care of yourself and learn to accept yourself as you are now. Understand that no matter what messages you have received on what makes someone perfect, none of it is true. There is no ideal, and there is no perfect person. You are perfect as you are right now. 

Choose to connect with your inner beauty and truly love yourself for being you. Choose to be authentic to yourself, your instincts, and your needs. When you make a little mistake, take a deep breath and say “So what?” Everyone is entitled to make mistakes. 

Instead of seeing your “flaws,” realize that these very flaws are what make you unique and desirable. After all, Cindy Crawford could have seen the mole on her lip as a flaw, but it became a real asset for her career and a very desirable beauty mark. Jennifer Lopez could have listened to mainstream media and believed that her backside as too big, but instead it is a real strength for her and her career. Beyond just celebrities, look around at all of those that you admire; notice how their uniqueness is actually a true benefit to be loved and admired.

You are just as beautiful. Feel it in your spirit. Accept it in your soul.  

The Flow Method Questions and Actions: 

1. If you are a perfectionist, why do you feel that you need to be perfect? Are you afraid of not measuring up? Not being loveable? Not being accepted? Were you raised in a family where every little slight, action, or word was analyzed and blown up to massive proportions? Do you still fear that one word or phrase will cause a catastrophic response?

2. How often do you push yourself beyond your limits to chase an ideal? Where did the ideal come from? Can you make yourself worthy of taking care of yourself? Try using the affirmation, “I love myself. I am good enough in every way. I am perfect just as I am.”

Would this article help others in your life? I'd be so grateful if you'd share it with them - and I bet they would be, too! Much love and gratitude!